Wednesday 30 December 2009

Words

Here are some words from text messages, emails and letters I received on finding out the diagnosis, whilst in hospital and afterwards. Collating them all was carthartic at the time, and I used part of it for an art piece later on. I still keep a record of everything that was sent me. It helps to look back at times.

Pissing shitting bollocking cancer Damn it. What a christmas present. What a new years surprise.

thank you for telling us – it cannot have been easy to write that mail. I doubt this mail will help much – its an immediate emotional response, probably saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But I just want you to know that I care & that I’m here to help in whatever way

I’m so sorry, I want to give you a great big hug and tell you it’ll be ok

It really is so unfair and horrible

It’s not a burden it’s a way to show we care about you.

You're a tough little cookie and will get through this

Goes without saying we're all here if you need anything, will be thinking of you and love you lots

Can I have a biscuit?

I keep thinking about how positive you have been recently, with the course and then J and also your new found modus vivendi with E and E, and i hope that you can hang onto a little sparkle of those feelings still, despite the major hitch of being diagnosed with breast cancer. I also keep thinking about all your amazing photos and I hope you take your camera into hospital with you! I have also been thinking about the sunny days in Soller and the warmth of the friendships. We are all so concerned about you and want you to know we are there to help in whatever way you want, even if what you want is space. We've dissuaded A from dropping in unannounced!

Oh no.that is worst case scenario.totally unexpected, i find this hard.oslo was just a dream,dont worry.ur health is most important.

You are one of my strongest friends and you will be positive and come through it and i will be right behind you!

we shuda met ten years ago.wed hav had a laff.its harder now 4us both.

Oh my georgous lovlyest mate! I was so shocked 2 hear about this from D I couldnt concentrate after he told me! I really felt weirded out and wanted 2 cry in the class and shout "FFFUUUUUCKKKK....WHY does it have 2 b Helen? Its always the nicest that have 2 go thru the REAL CRAP!!!!fuck fuck FUCK!!!!!"

Morning missyLove u too. Sorry if wobbly when u went. Just want to keep u so we can drink wine forever ! X

Yes. Think we need her 4 pure entertainment! Can u imagine... It will b ' who is in charge here?! V glad about her! I clapped my hands!

love you love you love you, see you at the other end. love you more. x x x ...

Been thinking of you all day. Lots of love. Hope they're taking good care of you

Hurrah ! So pleased i have u back. Hope hallelujah family have buggered off! Text tomorrow with any request! Love u madam mac. X x x x x

ur so strong+brave.im not like that.x

Was thinking of you yesterday as most people who i bumped into are. I hope you know how much esteem you are held in by your friends.....not just because of this.....but always!

Heard that you have been amazingly brave and positive. Hope you are not in too much pain. Would love to come and see you next week and will check timing with you. Must be so scary-thinking of you and sending you all the positive energy I can xx

Jane said to tell you she'll include you in her prayer meeting !! I said how lovely. X

Gr8 about biscuits! You sound gd. Forget cancer, how is the hair? Xx

Your 4:30 will be with you in12 minutes (forgot it's on a hill).

54!ur popular!my inbox is basicly just texts from u.


How's the most popular girl in hospital? Done enough socializing? How are you today and when are you home?

U r so busy! U have more of a social life in hospital than i do ever! Cool . Will c u later . X x

Cake a disaster ! May try to take pic to make u laugh! And because it is a disaster pope and i not on speaking terms ! X x x

hi helen... It was really very lovely to see you.... despite the circumstances. Didnt say this at time but it was also good to c u so bright and up. I thought u perversely looked very well!

Everytime I think of coming over I am reliably informed that there is a queue. I bet an audience with the Pope is easier. I have something for you and I need to get it out the house (you'll understand when you see it)

Your cleavage is taking on a personality of it's own Madam Mac !!

what a crazy time to get your head around - i can't imagine ... you're amazing me with your steadiness in how you're talking this through - you're some woman!

It was lovely to see you. I thought you looked fantastically well.

Cry, laugh, whatever. I won’t buckle, and I want to be able to support you. You are my friend, and I know you would do the same for me. I don’t think you are going to suddenly feel better about things, it is going to take some time...

Yes, it's crap. I'll be on the lookout for some funky scarves for you. Can you drink when you're having chemo? (obviously not while you're actually having it...)

am sorry to hear that you are feeling like this at the moment. the intensity and power of the emotions sweeps you away to a new place. You just have to hold on for the ride. I know about your inner strength and your resolve. I know that you are brave and fearless and that you will come through stronger than ever. What you should know is that there are lots of people out here who are plugging for you and wishing you better in no time

This is the quotation from the poem that our conversation reminded me of ‘…they, you will learn, have nothing, that have nothing to lose.’ It may not seem so powerful on its own but I was quite struck by it.

You always sound so amazingly calm about the whole thing.

Monday 28 December 2009

Some year it turned out to be

A year ago today I had diagnostic tests which revealed breast cancer tumours. It wasn’t confirmed until a week later, but all the evidence that day was not good. It was a complete shock as I had only been referred on the basis of experiencing slight tenderness in one place. There was no lump. It turned out to be at least five tumours, one of which was very aggressive, but fortunately at an early stage. If I hadn’t have thought to go to my GP when I did, it would most likely have spread through the lymph glands and my life could be so different. I urge anyone who notices ANY kind of change to their breast to go and get checked out.

I’ve been waiting for this year to come to an end. These last few weeks of it, my mind and memory have been travelling back to happy times this time last year, when I was unaware of what lay ahead, and had only just discovered a new me, one that had started to enjoy living in and for the present, experiencing a new kind of happiness. The first two days of the year were shared with someone who provided fun and laughter which took me back to a time I thought I had lost. Then, within a week of being diagnosed (and with no previous weeks worrying, as cancer was the last thing I thought was causing the tenderness), I had a mastectomy. It was all so sudden, no time to think things through. Emotions all over the place. Laughter gone. Six cycles of chemotherapy spanning 19 weeks followed plus three further weeks of radiotherapy. August 3rd was the last day of invasive treatment. (There are still tablets to take for the next five years). All signs are that it has done the trick. I feel lucky I didn’t experience any major physical side effects and was able to carry on studying and looking after my children, going out and, well, just getting on. Emotionally, though, it has been (and continues to be) more of a rollercoaster ride, and at times, it’s as though another person has undertaken what I had to endure, and I can’t quite believe that I have come through it all intact. There's laughter from time to time, but not in the same way as before. But I'm feeling less and less like I need to escape back to where I was and am intent on moving forward.

Christmas Day was spent with my children and their dad, as usual. He and I separated four years ago, this is in fact the fifth Christmas apart. Before then, we had been together 20 years. He’s still a good friend. We reflected on what he told me on my birthday this September, a time when I was at one of my lowest points. He’d told me that I ought to look back on this year as one of achievement; the way I have dealt with it means I have turned what should have been a shit year into one I should be proud of. I kind of agree. But it still feels like a lost year, a year of limbo floating around waiting for life to start up again.

So I keep ticking off all the “anniversaries”, all the “this time last year” stuff, waiting, anticipating a new beginning. But there’s still a while to go; reconstructive surgery in February will take a few months to heal and then there will be subsequent more minor ops to follow, gradually rebuilding what was taken away (or perhaps “remodelling” is a better word, as the procedures aim to create a flat stomach and perky breasts which hadn’t been apparent for quite a few years post childbirth…) So I envisage another gap year, but one that I am looking forward to and anticipating good results from. Let’s see.

So, here are some positive aspects of having breast cancer this year…

Cropping my hair, which seems blonder
Eventually growing longer eyelashes and fuller eyebrows
Being allowed the indulgence to rediscover myself
Becoming a Top Shop size 10
Winning a prize at art college for my self portrait project
Having the opportunity to take time away and go inter railing
The prospect of gaining new pert boobs and a tummy tuck to boot, all on the fabulous NHS
Most importantly, discovering strong friendships.

Saturday 5 December 2009

Quoting Lorrie Moore


"Her manner
was sprinkled
with
youthful
motions,
as if her
body
were
on occasion
falling into
a memory
or a wish."



This year....

the number of days I've been inside hospital - 63